When She Got Tired of Her Own Bullshit

What comes out in a 3AM rant

I’m tired.

No really, I’m tired. I’m up at 3AM again. I have an adorable, amazing, completely annoying dog that wakes me up several times a night to go outside. It’s like having an infant again. I didn’t sign up for this. I already raised 3 daughters and didn’t sleep well for years. Oh how I wish I could be a teenager again, and just sleep all the damn time. Wake up. Eat. Go back to sleep.

When you get to that magical mid-life age, you find that you just don’t sleep like you used to. Up in the wee hours, thinking about your life. Thinking about the job that you don’t even like. Because at this stage in the game, you’re not only awake at 3AM, you’re awake to life. You know that the job you lose sleep over - tasks that need to get done, KPIs that aren’t measuring up, co-workers that annoy you - none of it matters. You know that you’re just a line on a budget spreadsheet - easily deleted. But at the same time you’re aware enough to be goddamn thankful for a gig that pays you generously and allows you to live comfortably.

And when you’re done thinking about your task list, and all the things that you absolutely should not be thinking about, because honestly - all of it can wait until tomorrow. You start thinking of what you would be doing if you weren’t at this dumb job, because you know you were meant for something more. But this is the trajectory that you set for your life and the momentum is hard to redirect because of the programming that you were attuned to in your formative years.

The first half of your life is all about the programming, the conditioning, the “learning” of what is expected of you - by your parents, culture, society. The next half of your life is about deprogramming, un-conditioning and unlearning it all. What a mind fuck. And that’s for those who even wake up from the dream (or nightmare) and become aware that you inherited all of this bullshit that wasn’t even yours, and that you certainly didn’t ask for.

Until one day, actually - it's not one day, it's an accumulation of years or even decades of bullshit. Until one day you wake up and you finally say, “Fuck it! I’m done!” I’m tired of my own bullshit. Maybe it was something that triggered it. Maybe there was a catalyst - the end of a marriage, losing a job, the death of a loved one - something that makes you wake up and realize that the life you’ve been living isn’t even your own.

You’re tired of playing small. You want to be seen, heard, understood and loved.

But you’ve been told all your life that you shouldn’t be “too much”. Be a “good girl”, be “nice”. Don’t be a burden to others. Don’t “want” too much. Be grateful for what you have. Make sure you’re available to serve and please others.

And for the love of god, make sure you’re visually pleasing to men! Because your level of “fuckableness” is most definitely a reflection of your worth and talent.

Because the more you sacrifice your own feelings, desires, and dreams - that means you love them more, right?. What an amazing way to measure your self-worth - through trying to please others, by trying to fit into a mold of what and who you should be. And then they will see how much you have sacrificed, then they will love you back. You’ll finally prove to them you’re worthy of love.

You see their potential, so if you put yourself aside, and focus on them - you can help them fix the things they need to fix and reach their highest potential. All you have to do is sacrifice your own. Then they’ll see how valuable you are. You’ll be “their person”. Then you’ll finally be worthy. Because that’s what a good woman does - as a wife, a mother, a friend, even an employee. Prove her worth, through the sacrifices she makes, and how pleasing she can be.

They will finally see you, hear you, love you! Right?

Nope. They choose someone else. Because you didn’t choose yourself. They don’t see your worth. Because you don’t see it in yourself. You can’t be “their person”. Because you can’t be your own.

For some of us, it takes a lot of pain, a lot of grief, a lot of loss, a lifetime of feeling “not enoughness” to finally wake up and realize that all of this bullshit is self imposed. No one is going to rescue you. No one is going to save you. No one is responsible for your happiness.

Why? Because you don’t fucking need to be rescued or saved (thanks Disney - and all your fairytale Prince Charming bullshit). You don’t need someone else to make you happy - to feel whole, fulfilled or complete (thank you Hollywood for all your bullshit ass rom-coms).

YOU. The real YOU. The limitless, eternal, divine being that you are - you’re already whole, you’re already filled with all of the light and magic of creation itself. Everything you thought you needed from someone or something else - love, self-worth, fulfilment, happiness - you always had it.

But that’s not what we are taught. We are taught to look for all of these things outside ourselves.

All of these roles that you play. All of these masks you wear. All of these identities you cling to - mother, wife, daughter. They are all illusions. They aren’t real. Programming and conditioning you didn’t even ask for. Roles and expectations passed down for generations. It’s all bullshit. An ego play to keep you safe, keep you in line, to stay in your lane, keep you small, quiet.

So yeah. I’m tired. Tired of my own bullshit. And wishing I had someone to tell me all of this sooner. Although, I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. I have to learn things on my own. I’m a slow learner. But I do learn.

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Typically, I’d put a Call to Action here - all happy and cheery asking you to subscribe. But I haven’t slept and my 6AM alarm just went off, so you know what - FUCK IT!

Subscribe, if you feel like it. If not - its all good, thank you for reading my 3AM rant all the way to the end.